Dreaming with my eyes open.

It’s 3:55 in the morning and i’ve had a rough few weeks. Being at home for six weeks after going to school is definitely a shock to me after being able to execute whatever i wanted to… Going to the beach at 2am, climbing mountains, talking to hitchhikers and the homeless…

Sometimes, when you’re hit with floods of negative thoughts, it’s easy to form yourself into that routine. To be comfortable in it. i rejected one of the things i love most: music. Music… this thing that launches me into the dream world while i’m still awake. This thing that energizes my soul and explodes colors of nostalgia before my eyes. The type of music that becomes the soundtrack to my life’s joys and sorrows and wonder and awe. It keeps my heart soft and dreaming… i realized that, even after making a huge effort to buy someone’s iPod after losing my own, that… i had hardly listened to anything at all. Another thing that changed was my reluctance to get up in the mornings. It was like… after my first semester of school, i stopped caring about my day to day happiness. i’d fret too much about all the fear folks instilled in me, and the lack of support folks gave me… i’ve been tired in heart and body, and i’ve allowed that to take over me. And gosh… i’m only eighteen.

i forgot about the healing powers of art… while being in art school! i forgot how to be the person that enjoys being communicated all the feelings and wonders that could be anticipated in this life.

i miss my film camera so much, too. The joy of not being able to see what was caught immediately. And the dreaminess of it, too. i miss the early morning bus rides, a joy i took for granted in my haste to pass through high school. i miss conversations in the nighttime and i miss how, if you stay with your eyes open long enough, the darkness isn’t truly dark, and all shadows that surround you resemble the visions of your longings. i miss the lulling whispers and the driving melodies that painted my soul leaping and prancing before me with the possibility of adventure, and the stars and the gradients of wonder unto my ceiling. i miss dancing hearts and shining eyes and luminous lips. i miss guessing stories from photographs i didn’t take myself. And, i miss the sunrise and the dew in the morning, realizing how that all has never left me, but was only forgotten.

So tonight, i’m going to stay up and listen to all my favorite melodies and dream with my eyes open, and ponder the night, so i can rush outside with the reward of my beloved sunrise and dew, and be thankful for them and their ability to endlessly blind me with their beautiful, hopeful light.