I’m learning about myself, and it’s amazing.

Recently, learned that i suffer from atelaphobia. Here at school it has manifested into panic attacks and social anxiety. Atelaphobia is the fear of not being perfect, which i realized comes from living with my parents who didn’t take the time to get to know me. The girls in my study group have been so kind to help me with not worrying so much about my shortcomings. One of my pals was so kind even to have searched for me, and stay with me and encourage me to show my face when i had disappeared. i ran away and hid because i was in a public place and i began to cry. My parents always got mad at me when i cried, and they told me that i was too emotional, so i have always felt shame and embrassment, a need to perform and be perfect, and that’s so wrong. I’m betraying myself, and those around me. I have to shine the way i was created to shine. I don’t need to manufacture my feelings and thoughts to conform to what is “acceptable”.

I also learned my love language! Apparently, there are 5 love languages, and i took a quiz that helped me realize why i perceive people’s demonstrations of love to me certain ways. The love language that i’m most sensitive to receiving is quality time. And, that has allowed me to see why living at home was so hard for me… no one spent quality, undivided time with me. I realized how important it is for me to feel like i have someone’s undivided attention, to be really listened to, to be looked at and to be part of someone’s life, and i want to be able to learn other people’s love language, too, so i can show love to the people i am with in ways they can understand. The language i perceive the second best is physical touch. And that’s so right, because my heart just soars when someone holds my hand. I love to sit close to people, too! I have been blessed to meet brothers and sisters hear who demonstrate love to me and encourage me.

Learning about myself, and then facing myself has been really hard, but it’s been so good, because it’s allowed me to now know what i’m frail against and i can guard my heart better. I’m excited about the person i will be in the future.